zenderael_rl | [Harriet/Lera]

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[Harriet/Lera] - Let Go

Who: Harriet and Lera
When: Monday morning, October 3
Where: Harriet's former palace suite
Before/After: After Harriet is killed and then revived sans godbrain
Warnings: Severe moping

[Harriet supposes this is what it must feel like to be laid off. One day you are at the top of the world, the next you are cleaning out your desk trying to determine what belongs to you and what would be office theft.

Many of what she'd come to view as her possessions were actually just hand-me downs from the old Khshathra, or things purchased for her specifically to be used in conjunction with her job

Her souped up laptop, for example. Is that hers? It's full of personal information. Should she just delete that stuff and leave it for her successor? Lera said she didn't think Irena would be accepted as a legitimate Khshathra, but Harriet knows she isn't a rational choice to be her own successor if the brain is recovered. Someone more experienced, someone with a larger base of knowledge and intelligence to layer the godbrain on top of. Or that's what she figures, anyway. She just knows no one has offered her the job. That would be looking pretty far into the future -- past someone else's possible death. That's just a lot to ask for right now, and it doesn't seem worth it to get her hopes up. There are a lot of decisions still to be made by the people who were there before she ever got here, and actually belong in positions of power.

The most appropriate thing for Harriet to do right now is let go of her feelings that she ever owned any of it, and politely disappear]

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[Lera isn't happy about Harriet leaving. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to be quasi-immortals and work together for over a century. She tries to tell herself it's temporary; she intends it to be, and she already has Ambereyes looking for Irena. She made it clear that the brain comes to her, not to the acting Sharifa, if they recover it, because she plans to give it back.]

[But there's a real chance that this isn't temporary; that Harriet won't accept the brain, that the alchemists could give it to someone else, or that Irena won't be found.]

[She can be heard walking up. Her leg hisses softly as she gets to the door. She knocks on the door, once, and then she looks through the cracked door. She walks with that slight limp, still, as she peaks her head in and looks at Harriet.]

Hey.

[Harriet does not really know about guests, she is a ball of gloom right now and her social skills were among the awesome Khshathra hand-me-downs she can no longer lay claim to

but here Lera is so hello Lera

at least Harriet's not all sobby anymore]

Hey, I'm headed out today, so...

Yeah, I heard... do you need any help?

[Lera looks around her stuff, and she frowns at the things, before she looks back at Harriet, and then she leans against the wall. She still doesn't move around too much. It feels weird.]

[She looks like she wants to say more, but she doesn't yet.]

No thanks.

[but that leaves her standing around awkwardly with nothing to say]

I wonder if I need to like finish high school.

...I'd like to think this is all worth some transfer credits.

[It's a weak joke and half-hearted, though. She doesn't even manage a smile with it.]

[uncomfortable look as Harriet contemplates the merits of pointing out that she didn't get to keep anything academic that she learned as Khshathra

she just lets it go, instead]

I'll figure it out when I get home, I guess.

You're moving back in with your folks?

[She isn't sure where Harriet was going. She knew she was; there could be a lot of places that she could go. She rubs at her chin, thinking about it for a moment longer. She doesn't want her to leave, but that's a selfish thought to voice. They never signed any contracts saying they would stick around.]

Yeah, that's where I lived before all this stuff started. I never managed to figure out a way to get through to my mom that I was the Khshathra, she kept asking how my internship was going.

[shrug]

I actually never thought going back to my old life was an option so that's kind of a silver lining.

Ah...

[She pauses, hesitantly, and then looks up at Harriet. She doesn't know what she should say. She walks over closer, looking around the office. Someone else will be in here soon enough. With Iravati not in the picture as much and Harriet gone, life suddenly feels a lot more lonely here. It makes her neck muscles tense.]

[No crying, she tells herself. It would be unseemly.]

Do... you want to go back? I can--I mean, I can find a place for you to stay. Here or somewhere else.

Why would I stay? [Harriet sounds defensive, almost scared of the prospect

Living independently without the godbrain means getting a job and paying rent, and she's not ready for that shit, she's back to having no idea who she is or what she's good for, she can't be "grown up" now and just jump full force into life]

Just for a bit, until we find Irena. Then we can...

[She trails off and looks away.]

I don't really want to do that...

[there's a ton of reasons why, but it's hard to articulate

she doesn't want to circle like a vulture

she doesn't want to prolong this halfway-between feeling with false hope

she doesn't want the humiliation of being denied the brain because she was never the right choice]

[She bites her lip and looks back down. A few thoughts go through her head; that Harriet's right and she can't keep her life waiting until they maybe get the brain back, that there isn't anything for Harriet to do here, and a lingering worry that it's all her fault.]

I'm sorry.

[She grips her left wrist with her right hand, her thumb nervously rubbing over the scar that Mezzron left her with. When she talks again, her voice is quieter.]

I don't want to pretend that it's okay that you have to leave, but I don't know what to do.

I got the position because of something I ate. I don't think they're under any obligation to keep me.

I know. It's like that for all of us. It finally bit one of us in the ass.

[It's a stupid way to run the world, she thinks.]

You... think you'll join a different one? Now that you get to pick?

[if she'd gotten to pick, she would have wanted to be a mage...

but not for real. It's too dangerous to become a mage in reality, and she's probably not smart enough to learn the spells even if she did make it through the initial process without breaking her mind]

I dunno. It just seems like too much pressure right now.

Give it some time.

[She keeps looking down, hand clutching her wrist.]

We'll keep in touch, okay? I come to Bastan sometimes. And you could visit, you know? And there's the internet.

We'll keep talking. I'm good at the internet.

[ahh, it's weird how she was outgoing and friendly just yesterday and now...

her old self doesn't really 'do' friendly.

should she try to force it? is it still there?

Lera seems like a different species from her now, though.]

[Lera smiles. It's hesitant, but it's there. She nods, reaches a hand out, and then gently bumps Harriet's shoulder after she realizes that the new-old Harriet probably wouldn't want excessive hugging. The old-new Harriet didn't.]

Yeah. We can hang out sometimes, too. I'll, um, I won't drag you on outings that... you know... godbrain.

[She tilts her head to the side.]

We can watch anime, maybe?

Maybe.

[she's not totally sure old forms of escapism will have the same appeal as they did]

[this next part is more mumbly -- she feels uncomfortable saying it, but she sort of feels like her Khshathra would have just spat it out, and manages to summon up enough of that attitude to just do it]

...I'm sorry I never figured out how to make a healing potion or anything for you.

It's okay... I'll get by. It's got its perks.

[Lera taps the leg once, making a hollow metal sound. She looks back up at Harriet, then she shrugs her shoulders again.]

I'm sorry I didn't... you know. Do my duty.

[Protect her.]

I should have made us all guard constructs months ago.

[sigh]

Duncan asked for a robo-chinchilla or something I was working on.

[it's a jerboa but regular Harriet forgot the name of it]

I thought if he was alive we'd all be fine, but I didn't even think about the organs. Dumb.

I should have known about the dangers to you. I didn't--I never even heard of this Irena before she...

[Lera swallows and shuts up at that.]

It's not your fault. You couldn't be ready for every contingency and even constructs--I mean, sometimes... sometimes people put bombs in cars.

We can't know everything they'd try to do.

Least nobody will want to assassinate me now.

[Lera's still fucked though

real life conversations need an undo feature]

[Lera stares for a second. Her mind goes there, to how she could be killed. She wilts at that.]

...yeah. I could... I mean... it could happen.

...Yeah, fuck, sorry.

I've got my brain/mouth filter back but I'm still shit at saying appropriate things.

[Lera hesitates for a long moment. Her eyes and head turn down at the ground; her fingers curl into little balls, as it brings back the things she felt over the last few days. Her phantom legs begins to hurt. She isn't crying, but there's strain in her voice like she might start, when she talks.]

[She keeps her voice quiet.]

When I found you dead, part of me wanted it. For a second. I wished I wasn't doing this, even if it meant being murdered. Even if meant going there. I know that's horrible and selfish and--and I shouldn't even tell you that.

[She looks down and bites her lower lip.]

...I'm not sure I even follow why it's selfish.

I wished I wasn't doing it too, before I was killed. Now I'm out. It feels almost like I asked for it.

But those fucking powers changed my life. I could actually do things. It was like... everything I ever wanted.

...But being a guild leader is fucking scary and I don't envy you.

It doesn't seem fair to tell you I wanted out because you died. [She whimpers when she says it, then the waterworks stop, and she puts a hand over her face.]

Fuck it. You're one of my best friends. One of the parts I liked about this job was feeling like we'd always be in it together. I liked having the powers and even the responsibility isn't always bad, but...

[She looks up, taking a few deep breaths, and regains her composure.]

It kept driving and taking people away from me. It's not just scary, it's lonely. I found you dead, and it was like... like the person who was really in this mess with me was taken away, too.

[And that's why it felt selfish to her. She didn't think of Harriet, for a moment, then.]

[being the Khshathra made it easier to talk to and be around people, but she's not sure it really bridged the distance she's always had from them

Maybe she just assumed she would have more time to make that happen, or forgot to prioritize it... or didn't feel she needed to forge deep connections when she was satisfied just having them around

It's uneasy news then that Lera felt that kind of closeness, and that it was critically important to her. Harriet feels guilty, but isn't sure what to do, other than berate herself for screwing something up]

I'm sorry.

Edited 2013-12-09 03:20 (UTC)

[Lera hugs Harriet. It's impulsive and she doesn't think about it; she pulls back quickly, realizing it might have been a mistake, but she keeps an arm on Harriet's shoulder. She shakes her head.]

Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.

[She doesn't know that Harriet felt the same way. There is some real doubt there; Lera never talked to her about it, and that failure to communicate stands out now.]

I still want to be friends, okay? Who gives a crap about god-organs anyways?

[harriet endures the hug stoically; she's kind of gotten used to them, mostly.]

We can still be friends. Even if I'm not... in it, I can still keep you updated on what's going on outside of it.

Or something.

Yeah. And I can, you know, do my clumsy and kinda dumb big sister act?

[She smiles, then she wipes at her eye with a finger. She pulls her hand back from Harriet's shoulders.]

Sorry about the awkward hug. It's practice for Gabe?

Ah, yeah, I guess, if you... yeah.

[pause]

Oh god, Gabe.

Yeah, I should probably steel myself now.

You'll persevere. Somehow.

[She nods.]

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[Harriet/Lera] - Let Go

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