zenderael_rl | Lera + Missie: Movie Night

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Lera + Missie: Movie Night

Who: Lera, Missie
When: Friday evening.
Where: Lera and Missie's apartment!
Before/After: N/A
Warnings: Show business?!

[So after a not very pleasant week and having gotten her drinking out, Lera decided the perfect cure for her woes was MOVIE NIGHT. Little did she know Missie was off that night!]

[So when Missie finds her, Lera is not exactly in her most professional looking state: she is wearing death's head fishy pajamas and has a bowl of popcorn slathered in chocolate and caramel sauce on her lap.]

[She eats her gross popcorn, though, NO SHAME AT ALL]

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[Missie's week hasn't been so bad! Vati kind of likes her maybe?? And she ran into Nadir and got some sewing supplies and now it's really easy for her to work on her side projects!! Bastantown actually has some interesting fabrics and tailors and this is actually exciting!?]

[She stepped out on one such errand to return, stopping to look at Lera on the couch. Omg that popcorn looks good though, but she should at least set her bag in her own room! She does so, body only halfway in as she cranes her head around to try and see the TV.]

What are you watching?

[Lera's started bad and then it improved! Except Nova keeps bothering her but why burden that on Missie?]

Hey! It's, uhhh-- [She has to push a button on the remote, which brings up the menu] "'The Tiggy Peldrick Story: Kickball of the Heart.'" I think it's supposed to be serious but it's totally awful and funny.

[Missie didn't judge her for the popcorn, yay!! Which means she's totally munching on it guilt free now too]

Next up is "Blood Kick II: Samurai vs. Bedouin," though.

[The bag can land wherever. She can get to them later! She throws her purse on her bed and by bed we mean the floor next to her bed, but it was a good try.]

[Uuuh how do you have kickball hearts that sounds very strange. And can you kick someone with blood??]

[She joins Lera on the couch with a lazy flop.]

Oh. You weren't making those up.

Nope! They're both really bad. See, this--this is the part where the fully grown kickball star finds his inner worth by beating a bunch of nine year-olds at an elementary school's recess.

[It is, in fact, with motivational dramatic music while a guy kicks a ball straight over children's heads]

It's like the hundreds of people involved didn't realize this story is stupid!

[Wait wait wait.]

[Wait.]

[See Missie is really pretty dumb. She knows that. But this is a movie and it cost money and people made it? How--]

They must have known. It's a joke, isn't it?

[More DRAMATIC MUSIC...]

I...Isn't it?

...nope. Not a joke.

[There's the guy cheering in slow motion, in front of a crowd of crying nine year-olds.]

They thought this is cool and dramatic.

[She can't look away. Horror is slowly taking over her face.]

[She's looking for the joke. The little hint of tongue in cheek. It's not there. Everything is played perfectly straight.]

[Silence.]

I want to see the next one.

[Yep. It freeze frames and cuts to credits while some sappy triumphal song plays.]

You got it. Blood Kick II is up!

[And it sure is. The title screen opens up with a ninja-samurai (his outfit is equal parts ninja and samurai, of course) leap kicking through six people and their spraying blood -- which is really obviously colored water -- spells out "BLOOD KICK II: SAMURAI VS. BEDOUIN"]

It's kind of amazing because it's exactly what the title says it is, you know?

Edited 2013-01-07 00:58 (UTC)

[Missie jumps at the spray of blood, eyes wide and visibly startled, grabbing a couch cushion.]

Someone get those people some vitamin K!

[It catches up with her that a) those people are dead it's too late and b) they should not have been that paper fragile to begin with.]

... Do I need to have seen the first one?

Nope. All new characters, all new setting, and the story didn't make a lick of sense anywhere--here we go!

[The opening narration begins! It starts with a shot of a medieval Arabic city in the middle of the Sahara with absolutely no sign of water nearby, and then the words: "ISTANBUL, 1102"]

[And the narration starts: "In the middle of the First Crusade, Istanbul stood against the knights of Queen Victoria. To defeat the undefeatable Bedouin armies, Queen Victoria sent in her Japanese allies... the ninja-samurai."]

[And then, suddenly, there's a bunch of ninjas leaping up 40 foot walls and spin-kicking into guys wielding scimitars and riding camels on the tops of the battlements.]

[This is where Lera is laughing uncontrollably too.]

Shouldn't it be Constantinople?

[Also aren't ninja and samurai conceptually different? And they need an oasis?? But these are very suddenly the least of her worries.]

[More WATER BLOOD and where did that guy's limbs go and Missie is not making a sound only dogs can hear.]

[She finally loses it when one of the ninja-samurai hollers a battle cry that sounds more like it came from one of the camels.]

[Between laughs:] But why?

It should and it was actually held by Christians back then--oh, oh, here we go!

[The Bedouin commander and the ninja-samurai leader are suddenly having an awesome duel on the top of the walls and yeah one has his left arm cut off twice because of bad editing!]

I have no clue why! I've tried to follow the story but I--I just can't!

[Also there's some explosions for no reason, like when the samurai knocks a camel off the wall and it explodes like a car]

[AND THEN]

Here he comes! [It's a near squeal] My favorite part!

[Hitler appears and shoots both of them in the knee with a revolver! And says something in German that's not even subtitled]

Edited 2013-01-07 05:12 (UTC)

[E-exploding camels. She's covering her mouth trying not to laugh now because maybe someone worked really hard on this and oh my god.]

[Favorite part?? Missie looks to Lera then to the screen and

and]

[Stunned silence. It isn't until halfway into the next scene that she finds her voice again.]

But why?!

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE!

[It was billed as a historical epic when they made it in the mid-2030's too]

Every time Hitler shows up, though I can't--I mean-- [She wipes at her eyes with her fingers, still laughing] Someone thought that was a good idea!

[PS the movie is trying to have a love story right now, but it looks ridiculous because the female Bedouin can't/won't dismount from her camel and it keeps snorting throughout the dialogue]

Edited 2013-01-07 06:32 (UTC)

He comes back?

[She stares at Lera, but she is missing the lovelove scenes. FORBIDDEN LOVE, MISSIE'S FAVORITE. It's impressively bad here, really. ... Th-that might also be becoming Missie's favorite. She has the dumbest grin right now.]

I need that popcorn.

[She helps herself to a small bit and this is way better than butter.]

Mm-hmm. I can't say who with, that ruins the surprise.

[Biiiig grin! And the lovey-dovey scene plays out with an awkward camelback kiss that has the camera cut away before the actress falls on the actor]

It's really good this way! Bad for the arteries, though...

It's okay, I'm a nurse. [Yeah that somehow makes this all work out.]

I guess it could be worse? She could be secretly engaged to Hitler.

Hmm. Makes sense~! [what! no it doesn't!]

Shh! That's plot of Blood Kick III: Wehrmacht This! [she...might be kidding, judging by the grin?]

[Also apparently while they talked a battle scene started with some kind of dragon besieging the samurai, who are somehow in the jungle, but the text is saying they're in Cairo?]

[Missie knows not the ways of bad movies. She looks abruptly to Lera, completely unsure if she is serious.]

[THEN DRAGONS]

Is... is it a real dragon? In the movie... [The CGI is so bad she can't really tell.]

Oh, nope! This is from the 2030's! And, uh, the way they get the dragon is--

[The camel headbutts the dragon and its head explodes]

...probably not gonna work in Zenderael..

So... not the main character's hallucination... or a metaphor...

[IT EXPLODED LERA. Missie jumps and latches to a pillow again with how sudden that was.]

[........]

Have you tested it?

...nope, that's a totally "historical" dragon.

[Hmmmmm. She turns to Missie and raises an eyebrow.]

W-well, if I ever have a camel and dragon in the same room, uh...

Do they have camels in Zenderael? Maybe they're natural enemies! Like the snake and the mongoose. Or the honey badger and everyone.

[And then TRAGEDY as the beloved camel companion must be put down after being poisoned by the dragon. Yeah, guy, you just... cry melodramatically over that obviously still breathing camel body.]

... But. Maybe it'd be a mistake to listen to anything this movie says.

You know, I don't know. We should ask Marlene, maybe. If they have camels.

[pause]

Not show her this movie, though. She can't think this is actually Earth history.

[Lera actually looks a little sadly at the TV screen. Poor still clearly alive camel that's dead...]

Edited 2013-01-07 07:38 (UTC)

She wouldn't...!

[But so much about Earth must not have made sense in the same way Zenderael didn't make sense. ...]

I'm sure Zenderael must have... questionable stage plays sometimes.

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