[Irena/Nova] - wrong

[shardstorm]

Who: Irena, Nova
When: Monday, 08
Where: Irena's apartment, Fall City
Before/After: NA
Warnings: TBA

Getting sick had distracted her from thinking about other things. It had been good, in a way, but now that she was better, those Things came back to mind. Things she needed to talk to someone about, but she wasn't sure who to talk to about them.

Nova was there, though. They'd talked about a lot of things in the past. They'd discussed their research, shared their experiments and results, even complained about things going wrong. Things had been different since she'd become a mage. A part of her wondered why.

Did it have to do with her being 'dumb'?

After much consideration, she decided to ask him about it. She came out of her room, holding her tablet under an arm. Bunny lay sleeping on the back of the couch, and she walked over to rub at his ears while looking at Nova, trying to peek over his shoulder.

"Are you busy?" she asked softly.

Comments

[taking_names]

Nova was paging idly through the limited history of the forum on his phone, as if looking for something, but he hadn't decided on what.

Evidence about his player? Scraps that remained of Alex?

Maybe he was just trying to turn back time.

He looked up, and turned himself around to face where she was standing.

"Hi, Irena. Not really, what's going on?"

[shardstorm]

She moved around the couch to take a seat, laying her hands in her lap, toying with the crystal on her left wrist. She watched her fingers. She'd picked the staff up- No, her player had picked it up- in some dungeon, somewhere. She didn't even remember which.

She was silent for a few moments, then looked to Nova and asked, "Do you think I'm dumb?"

[taking_names]

A gloomy Irena was strange, particularly since she'd said she was feeling better earlier. He noted her grimness as he waited for her to speak, bracing for something unfortunate.

Dumb?

His eyebrows knitted.

"No, I don't think that you're dumb. Did someone call you that?"

[shardstorm]

"Marlene," she answered, sounding uncertain. "She said all kids were dumb..."

[taking_names]

"Ah."

Why had Irena taken something like that to heart?

"She was exaggerating for effect, I think. She meant that people can make bad decisions when they're younger, before they have a lot of experience to give them a sense of how their actions will turn out in the long run."

[shardstorm]

She thought about that. She didn't have much experience with players, and the few she had were... well, mixed. Nova's experiences with Harriet had made her distrustful of them, but Duncan and Missie seemed like good people.

But that was something many from Zenderael were experiencing.

It was something more that was wrong with her. Something deeper.

"I have... difficulty. Before, I would speak differently and was made fun of for it, so I changed how I speak. But it was difficult. It... It is difficult to learn things... I thought maybe it was because I was dumb."

[taking_names]

"Ah," he said again.

Had no one explained it to her? Maybe no one wanted to broach the topic. He hadn't wanted to, but now she was basically asking...

"Do you remember ever hearing anything about the risk that people take, in becoming a mage?"

[shardstorm]

"Yes," she answered immediately, but then faltered. There'd been a risk. She remembered there being a risk. Things could happen, to the mage. She remembered accepting that.

But she didn't remember what those things were.

"I... I don't remember... what the risk was..."

[taking_names]

"When you see the truth behind the world, sometimes it does something to your mind. What it does is different depending on the person experiencing it, but it's called breaking."

He didn't think that word would sit well with her, but it was called what it was called.

[shardstorm]

"Breaking," she repeated softly, distantly.

She didn't like it. She wasn't broken! She was smart, she could cast spells, she was learning enchanting! She could understand Earth sciences...!

But it was difficult. Focusing on the enchantments took effort, effort it shouldn't take. Learning was easy, but only if she forced herself to focus on what she was reading. Things distracted her, too easily, and sometimes she had to reread parts of a book three or four times.

Her shoulders sagged. She looked down at her hands.

"I'm broken...?" she asked, voice barely audible.

[taking_names]

"It's kind of a cruel word, isn't it?" Nova asked.

He was uncertain, now, that he should have told her. But the alternative was not telling her, and clearly she was inclined to wonder and call herself stupid in the meantime.

Was it better or worse to be 'broken?' Who knew.

[shardstorm]

It did sound cruel. Telling someone they were 'broken' seemed... wrong. Unfair. But what could be done for it?

"Can it be fixed?" she asked, glancing at him.

There had to be a way.

[taking_names]

"I've never heard of anyone fixing it. There are a lot of things I haven't heard of, though," Nova said.

A thought occurred to him.

"If you became the Khshathra, that might solve it. But you wouldn't be a mage anymore."

It would require killing someone, but it was factually accurate.

[shardstorm]

Became the Khshathra.

That would require killing the current Khshathra.

But... If it fixed her...

But would she even be able to do it?

After some serious consideration, she shook her head, and sighed. She would have to live with being broken. So long as she had her magic, she'd be fine...

She offered Nova a faint smile. "Maybe there is a way they do not know." It was obvious she didn't believe it, but. It wouldn't hurt to look.

[taking_names]

"You were able to change your speech," he offered, trying to be reassuring.

He didn't say 'fix' -- he saw nothing wrong with using your name instead of a pronoun if it suited you or came more naturally, Artemis' sneering aside.

When he thought about that a bit more, it was sobering, though.

"That was very hard, wasn't it?"

[shardstorm]

"Yes," she answered, voice soft. "And other things I cannot fix." It was often too frustrating to keep trying, so she'd stop. It was frustrating to have something simple like a bird landing on the window sill distract her from her reading, enough that she'd lose her place. Or to have to reread the same paragraph four times because of a noise coming from the other room, or from outside.

It was why she liked going back to the World Library to study. There were far fewer distractions.

She shrugged, as if trying to shrug the whole thing away. "It does not matter."

[taking_names]

"It's all right if it does matter. It's a big thing to have to accept."

That, he thought, was an understatement. If awakening with shredded memories was only a small taste of having your mind tampered with on the scale Irena had experienced, it was hard to imagine how she held herself together.

It may have helped not knowing what, if anything, was wrong, he guessed. Until now.

[shardstorm]

"But there is nothing I can do."

She had to live with it. To accept it. To not let it matter, because if it mattered, it would interfere with her abilities. Her studies, her experiments. Her happiness.

But it did matter, and that bothered her. It bothered her that it was a thing she had to accept, it bothered her that she wasn't sure she could accept it. And it bothered her that it bothered her at all, because it was something she remembered accepting back when she'd made the choice to become a mage, even if she didn't remember what she'd been accepting.

She was starting to understand how Nova felt about having his past changed.

[taking_names]

"People are upset about things that can't be changed all the time."

That was one of the best reasons to be upset, in his opinion.

"You can give yourself time to be unhappy about it, if you want."

Or go on feeling that way indefinitely. Who was he to advise others about managing their reactions to bad luck?

[shardstorm]

Irena nodded. Time to be unhappy... Maybe if she gave herself that time, then she could actually accept it and move on. She wasn't sure, but it was worth a try...

"Thank you," she said, giving him a soft smile. As much as she hated knowing the reason, it helped to know, and not be left wondering and fretting.

[taking_names]

He turned a little and held out his arms, offering a hug.

"I know it isn't fair," he said.

Her player was the one who had decided to have her risk her mind, after all. And the one who had known from the start what the result would be.

Had made her for that purpose, probably.

Had Irena even ever been written whole? The way that time overlapped with his past life, which hadn't been real, made him suspect she hadn't.

[shardstorm]

Hugs were good. She moved closer to lean against him, slipping an arm around his waist. It was comforting to have someone to talk to about it, who may understand, a little.

"It happens to mages sometimes," she said, trying to excuse it away. "I still have my magic." Which was powerful. Perhaps not as powerful as the Asha's, but still.

She wondered what she'd do with magic as powerful as the Asha.

[taking_names]

"Your magic is wonderful," he told her.

"Reilanin wouldn't have her penguin without your help."

That was an odd example to seize on but it was the first one that came to his mind.

[shardstorm]

It made her smile a little wider, remembering the penguin, and her trip to the zoo where she'd found it. She knew what zoos were now, but before hadn't had a clue, thinking they were some sort of farm for exotic meats. She'd only brought the penguin because Reilanin had asked for Earth meat, but she'd kept the penguin.

Irena pondered checking in on Reilanin to see how the penguin was.

"I've learned a lot more," she said. "More magic. It's... difficult. Slow. I think maybe it would be easier if... If I weren't..." She couldn't bring herself to say it again. "But there is still much it can do, things I had never tried before."

[taking_names]

"What sorts of things do you want to learn to do?" he asked.

Maybe it would get her mind off of her limitations.

And besides, it would probably be interesting. Irena's magic really was impressive, for all her setbacks.

[shardstorm]

"I am learning, ah... Illusions and transmogrification." She held her left hand up, indicating the crystal on her wrist. "I started learning when I came to Earth, to change the shape of things. I was told that I should hide that I was a mage, but it was the only way to hide my staff without leaving it behind." And she had certainly not been about to leave her staff behind somewhere. She wasn't even sure she'd have been able to; the thing followed her around wherever she went.

"Illusions are interesting. To make images of things that are not there. Manipulating light. It... It is difficult. I can only do small things, still." Mostly because most of her focus had been on enchanting lately. If things didn't take so long to learn, she'd be far better at it by now...

[taking_names]

"Oh--" He blinked at the crystal. "That explains a lot, actually."

He hadn't even thought about the fact that he'd never seen her with her staff on earth.

"What have you been able to make an illusion of?"

[shardstorm]

Irena brightened. "Lots of things! But they are small, ah, 'party tricks'."

She sat upright and put her hands out, palms up, and reached her magic out to shape the light. She'd gotten good enough that it didn't take much effort to conjure up little examples, and a shimmering unicorn appeared above her hands, its tail giving a swish as it looked towards Nova. If it weren't for the fact that it was no bigger than a kitten, it might have seemed real.

[taking_names]

"It's so tiny," he said, impressed rather than dismissive. She'd done all the details smaller, too, which seemed like it might have been difficult.

He tried to touch it, to see what would happen.

[shardstorm]

Interrupting the light, Nova's fingers sent shimmering ripples through the image. It made Irena giggle, just a bit, before she released the image, the unicorn vanishing in a shower of confetti-like sparkles of light that faded quickly.

"I can only do tiny ones, yet. I want to make bigger ones, but it is difficult to learn." Once again reminded of her limits, she frowns.

[taking_names]

He let out a little 'ahh' as the image shifted and disappeared, before looking up at her.

"I liked it. I bet you could play excellent jokes on people with illusions. Even small ones."

Did Irena play jokes...?

[shardstorm]

"Ah... I wanted to put on a magic show, but I was told that people would be afraid of mages here more than in Zenderael..."

Which was totally different from playing jokes. Unless you incorporated jokes into the magic show.

She probably wouldn't know how, though.

[taking_names]

He frowned a little.

"Haven't they gotten used to them by now?" It sounded like the earthers were just being unwelcoming at this point.

Because of course he had been completely welcoming to all things earth when he had been in Zenderael.

[shardstorm]

She shrugged. "Many in Zenderael are still afraid of us, because they know what we can do." Or, at least, had some idea of what mages could do. Perhaps it was because they didn't know what mages could do... The only ones who knew and understood a mage's limitations were the mage, really.

"I wonder if children would be afraid," she considered. "They might like a magic show?"

[taking_names]

"I'd hope so," Nova said. Children ought to be less set in their ways, whatever those ways happened to be.

"Do you think you might try?"

[shardstorm]

That took some thinking. She actually had... no experience when it came to children, and no idea what they'd even like to see. And then there was the fact that parents who were afraid of mages probably wouldn't want their kids going to a magic show...

She shook her head. It was just too much to worry about. "I will just keep practicing." But she smiled. "Maybe I can show you some of it? And I can do more enchantments now, if you need."

[taking_names]

"Yes, I'd like to see more of it."

Actually, given their living arrangement, he might wind up present for her practice anyhow.

"Maybe you could do a show just for Marlene and I. It wouldn't take so much planning."

[shardstorm]

Irena perked up at the prospect, suddenly forgetting her angst. She liked having Marlene visit! "Yes! And maybe we could have pizza again!" Because pizza was tasty.

[taking_names]

"That would be nice."

...And probably less awkward discussion, this time...

[shardstorm]

She smiled wide, and gave Nova a tight hug. "Maybe this weekend. I have lots I have been practicing!"